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 The 5 Sports Guys I Want To Be

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Nombre de messages : 842
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Date d'inscription : 01/06/2005

MessageSujet: The 5 Sports Guys I Want To Be   Lun 24 Oct - 21:33

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Posted: 10/24/2005 by: Michael Hagges

Sometimes It's Not Enough
I have a good life. I have a nice house, a great job, excellent friends, a wonderful wife, and relatives who sometimes let me borrow their kids as if they were my own, up to and including the point where I get drunk, tell them they’re the reason my life is horrid, and beat them with my belt. Even though my life is excellent, though, I have to admit I sometimes feel under the spell of that green-eyed monster of Shakespeare’s, envy. My house is nice enough, but it has neither a movie theater nor a stripper’s pole. My job is OK, but let’s face it, I’m still working 40+ hour weeks. And though I love my friends dearly, my Palm Pilot contains names of no celebrities (unless you count my unfortunately named friend, Balki Bartokomous). All of this sometimes leads me to think “Wow, what if I could be a lemur.” And when I realize that probably isn’t going to happen, I think “Wow, what if I could be a famous sports guy.”

When I have this thought, it’s constrained to certain sports guys. I mean, I’m not going to waste my limited daydreaming hours fantasizing about being a second-string offensive tackle for the Houston Texans (yes, they do have a second string O-Line, believe it or not). When I dream of being a sports guy, there are certain men to whom my imaginings are limited. This list is presented below:

HONORABLE MENTION
Pete Fenson, Captain of the U.S. Curling Team While I think curling is a sweet and under-appreciated sport, let’s face it: chicks don’t dig curlers.

Matt Millen I want my job to give me a contract extension and a raise just because I can wipe my ass with minimal assistance (God knows not for doing the job well). But then I’d have to know that I’m the laughingstock of my profession, and that doesn’t sound like much fun.

Lance Armstrong While being worshipped by millions, winning one of the most grueling sporting events seven times in a row, and getting to go home to an OILF (Oldie I’d Like to beFriend) like Sheryl Crow is nice, I just couldn’t deal with the French.

Matt Leinart Yes, everyone and their mother think he’s a god (see: Erica Lucero), he’s won one and a half consecutive national championships, and he’s dating a h-o-triple-t hotttie. However, next year he’s going to be stuck on a crappy team, with a porous offensive line, and a coach who starts him in week four despite pledging that he would be given a clipboard year to learn the system and the league. It’s a short train ride from there to TimCouchville.

The leaves us with…
THE 5 SPORTS GUYS I WANT TO BE



5. The next Russian hockey player to pork Anna Kournikova OK, Anna Kournikova may be yesterday’s news, but she’s still hotter than most of the firearms in Moscow. While she’s been penetrated more often than Chris Osgoode's five-hole, it’s a known fact she gets wet under her skirt for anyone who’s name ends in “ov” or “bure”, and I would still gladly stand in line for those sloppy seconds (or twelfths or whatever).




4. Michael Owen Most Americans might not know him if he walked down the street, but back home in England Michael Owen is worshipped as a hero. An excellent striker for both the Liverpool and English sides, his speed is amazing, and he finishes like Peter North. And given the way the English women go for football (i.e. soccer) heroes over there, he doesn’t have any trouble putting it between the pipes after the match either.

However, there are two things keeping Owen from finishing higher on this list. First off, it’s mainly British ladies who are interested in him, and while the gaps in their teeth can occasionally prove useful, they’re usually just plain nasty (Kate “White Christmas” Moss excepted). Secondly, the New York back pages have nothing on Fleet Street in skewering someone when the national team doesn’t live up to expectations, and somehow the only expectations in England are that every four years they should be bringing home the World Cup. It hasn’t happened since ’66, and it isn’t happening in ’06, so Michael’s going to get his boat rowed ashore again.



3. Derek Jeter Talk about easy street. The ranks of world-class, rich, gorgeous, single athletes is thin to begin with. Now add in that you play for one of the world’s most storied franchises, for whom you have starred as they have won World Championships. As an added bonus, this team is located in the city that houses many of the world’s most gorgeous women, a great number of whom worship the ground you walk on and would do anything to get into bed with you. Welcome to Being Derek Jeter, now playing on one screen nationwide. But, you protest, doesn’t Jeter face the same problem that Owen does, in terms of dealing with a press that wants his tight ass run up a pole because of the Yankees recent failures? Here’s where the advantage falls squarely to Jeter: he has the A-Rod factor. Someone who came in to his city, makes more money, is somehow more famous, and pulls a “Michael Brown at FEMA” when the spotlight is on him. All this does is make Jeter look even better in comparison. Derek Jeter, you have the sweet, sweet life, and I would love a piece of that.



2. LeBron James He’s been touted as the Air Apparent since he was a sophomore in high school. So have a couple dozen other fucks, who have since been relegated to riding history’s pine (anyone else bought aluminum siding from Harold Miner recently?). But LeBron somehow managed to live up to the hype. His numbers are amazing, and so far they’ve been compiled while surrounded by a shit team. He finally has an ownership team committed to spending the money to win, and (seemingly, hopefully) a GM who has a clue what he’s doing. Many people (myself included) think LBJ could be the first person since Oscar Robertson to average a triple double for a season. And not only does he have the unbelievably mad skills, and the cash flow that goes with that, he’s managed to handle everything that has accompanied his fame with class and panache. Finally, at long last, someone who’s able to hold MJ’s jock not just on the floor, but in the marketing arena. Yes, please, I would like that life.



1. Brett Favre LBJ has it all, but nobody is as universally loved and admired as the man Ben Stiller called Fahv…Farv…Fahhhvruh. Even with John Madden’s lips permanently curled around his jock, Brett Favre has managed to avoid resentment from the football fan base at large because what the worshipping media say is true: he plays the game not just with talent and flair but with grit, hustle, and an absolute, undeniable love for the game. The man is getting paid a king’s ransom to play a kid’s game, and he knows it, and can’t believe his good fortune. Every week he goes out and plays football as hard and as well as he can. He respects the game, and shows it in the way he plays it. He’s played in Pro Bowls and won a Super Bowl. He plays the ultimate game in the ultimate football town, and is adored by fans and respected by opponents. In an era of unparalleled media scrutiny, he keeps his feet out of his mouth, needles out of his ass, and his penis out of groupies. In addition to being a football hero, he has been seen supporting his wife through breast cancer, flourishing on a national stage after losing his father, and drumming up support for survivors of the hurricane that ravaged his hometown. He is the classic example of the man women want to be with and men want to be. Well, count me in: I want to be Brett Favre.
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Date d'inscription : 31/05/2005

MessageSujet: Re: The 5 Sports Guys I Want To Be   Ven 28 Oct - 22:09

J'adore le commentaire ou le gars dis que Lebron est entouré d'une "shit team" Smile
Rare de lire ca dans un article, au moins on evite la langue de bois.

Favre n°1 Shocked Cela dit, il a un CV plutot sympathique et ca fait un gendre un peu plus presentable qu'un Randy Moss qui va quitter la table avant la fin du repas parcequ'il pense que l'assiette qu'on lui tend ne lui est pas destiné Laughing
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